What We Needed Then, Is What We Need Now

In therapy, I often hear clients say, “I don’t see how going back to my past is relevant—it’s painful there and I can’t change it.” While I honor this guard, I also hold that it’s telling me something very valuable—there are wounds inside that have developed much needed, protective scar tissue. To move forward, we must go back to the past to bring forward what is useful.

The reality is that our pasts have a multitude of valuable lessons for us to learn from, especially the memories that are most painful. To live more freely, we must really sink inside and go there, processing our stories with a therapist or a trusted friend. Having insight allows us to examine ourselves so that we do not repeat unhelpful patterns and enables us to look at what we needed then to get what we need now.

There’s a case to be made for not wanting to aimlessly wander into our histories by ourselves, for fear of what we might find and feel. Often what intensifies and cements our experiences into our nervous systems is that at the time we felt alone, powerless and abandoned. This unprocessed pain gets encoded and trapped in our bodies, and we dread having to feel that again. But as adults, we have the opportunity to choose—we don’t have to experience it alone anymore.

Take a moment of quiet to think about a memory or a moment that left you yearning to be seen, for your needs to be met. Maybe it was a disagreement with your boss, or a time in childhood when your caretaker was unavailable, or an argument with an ex-partner. Feel into that experience and allow it to wash over you. What was it that you needed then? What lessons can you bring forward that can help meet your needs in the present?

I’ll start—lately I’ve been reflecting on acutely painful memories from my childhood that left me yearning for someone to offer safety and reassurance. Fast forward to adulthood and I find myself facing the same experience. I recognize that what I didn’t receive as a child, I’m able to ask for as an adult by first getting clear about what’s happening inside of me. Grasping the root of what I needed then, allows me to get that need met in the present.