Sense of Self: Who Am I?

I often hear from friends and clients that parenting in America can be a very lonely experience, as the emphasis is placed on individualism versus leaning on and developing community support in child rearing. This increases pressure on parents to be everything for their children, leading to burnout and inconsistencies. From a family systems perspective, the emphasis on a child’s development is placed on the caregiver and larger family unit to help shape a child’s sense of self, so what happens if caregivers are unavailable or limited in some capacity?

Caregivers, along with the larger society, shape how babies and kids see themselves and their surrounding world. For a myriad of understandable and painful reasons, when little ones don’t consistently get their emotional needs met from unsupported or unavailable caregivers, they develop a compromised sense of self. A human's sense of self is influenced by many factors–and this newsletter will focus on the development of the self from a family systems perspective, which has been criticized for its lack of emphasis on the importance of cultural differences, prejudice, and socioeconomic status. Hold your child self in mind as you read. 

Sense of self refers to the unique identities that each person carries that lets them know who they are. “Having a strong sense of self is simply knowing who you truly are and what you stand for,” says holistic psychotherapist Sonia Fregoso, LMFT.

Consider this question: In your household growing up, to what degree were you encouraged to self-advocate, to set boundaries, to feel your full range of feelings, to acquire self-understanding and knowledge?

Pop psychology churns out instruction on how to build a stronger sense of self, but what it misses is the larger question of “what got in the way of developing your core sense of self in the first place?”

Cue messaging from our caregivers, social histories, learning environments and the dominant culture of white supremacy--all of which shape how we see ourselves and how we show up. For example, a person who was never protected as a child would not know that it is okay to have boundaries as an adult, that they are sacred space worth protecting. When people aren’t encouraged to develop their own identities, they fall victim to others' wants, ideas and beliefs, often abandoning themselves so that they don’t get abandoned in return.

Sense of self goes beyond personality traits, belief systems and value sets. It's the capacity to truly KNOW yourself, to protect yourself, to stand up for what you believe in. If this feels difficult for you as an adult, you are not alone. As adults, unlike children, we have endless opportunities to develop and blossom at our own pace and in our own time. You can hold your own hand gently while you learn to crawl, picking yourself up when you fall down and delighting in yourself every step of the way. Turning to your loved ones for encouragement, who are surrounding you with pride on their faces. Remember that this soul journey is long, and it is your birthright to know who you are.