Working through fear to reach your "North Stars"
Do you have a hard time trusting yourself to take a leap when you feel afraid? The other night, my fear and desire wrestled about whether or not I should speak up to someone who hurt me. I was struggling with the question: do I voice my own needs, releasing hurt but risking closeness, or do I keep them silent to maintain feeling safe but unheard?
My more fearful parts were the gatekeepers to verbalizing my truth. I sought support from a wise friend who shared, “I’m not a resolutions person, but the year end happened to coincide with my commitment to two North Stars: Truth and Courage.” She helped me crystalize a pathway to relational freedom: to notice my fear without allowing it to sit in the driver's seat of my decision-making. Fear is not always a STOP sign.
Speaking Your Truth Amidst the Fear
Fear can show up in the form of questions: “Will this person be able to hear me? Is my judgment sound? Should I just let it go to not create tension?” Many of us have been fed a message that to express a truth that may not resonate with or be liked by another would put a wedge in the relationship, rather than the possibility of it actually inviting the other closer by letting them into our authentic internal worlds.
In addition to challenging fear, we must also validate it. Consider a time when it may have not been safe to speak your truth because institutions or people presented consequences that were too costly to live through. The goal is not to get rid of the fear, but instead, to slow down long enough to get curious about what message it may have for you.
Fear invites us to draw on courage. Courage to stand true, knowing we’re going to mess up, say the wrong things, hurt people’s feelings, and move forward anyway. Secure relationships are developed through conflict. The cycle of rupture and repair shows that the repair is the most important part of the conflict. This is where we deepen connection and this can’t happen unless we’re brave enough to disrupt the status quo.
The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant, "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart."
What Are Your North Stars?
In relational interactions, continuing to follow my star guides of Truth and Courage allows me to show up more fully time and time again. Spoiler alert– I spoke my truth in the above situation, letting my hurts be known and felt held, seen and loved in the end. I left the conflict feeling deeply connected to my friend and very proud of myself for pushing through the fear to feel liberating love. This won't always be the outcome, but it is a healing possibility to hold as you think through your decisions around personal expression.
Ask yourself: What are my North Stars? What are the things I need to hold front and center so I can show up authentically in my relationships? How do I lean into harnessing my power and taking on the risk?