Perfection is NOT REAL

I’ve been pondering what perfectionism is at its core, and how it relates to trauma. Perfectionism is defined as one’s “need for personal flawlessness that is accompanied by self-criticism imposed by unrealistic standards.” In addition to a desire to “get it right,” I understand perfectionism as a protective response to feelings associated with trauma, including shame. The clever brain tricks us into believing that “If I get it “just right,” I won’t be rejected or judged.”  While this response may help shield us from experiencing pain, it also prevents us from connecting with and expressing our humanness. The consequence of perfectionism is massive–it robs us of our joy and ability to be present in our lives.

Perfectionism can come in many forms. Some concrete examples: needing your appearance to be on point all of the time, having to reread every email you send multiple times to make sure each word is sound, needing to perform at the top of your game every second of the day, or needing to be a constantly present and attentive partner/friend/parent/worker. As I’m writing this short list of examples, I notice the exhaustion come up in my body as I remember how unattainable this standard is.

To weave in a personal experience, two weekends ago I got married and it was magical. We had a stunningly beautiful wedding that far exceeded our expectations, surrounded by all the love from our family and friends. And despite my greatest efforts to remain present, the next day I felt anxious, a myriad of thoughts rushing in to pick things apart. “Was my makeup okay? Did I look like myself? I wish I would’ve invited this person. Did I dance enough with my family? Did everyone have fun? Was I present enough with my partner?” 

What I realized through my investigation of my post-wedding anxiety was that perfectionism is a protective solution to the problematic fear of being judged, hurt and abandoned. Each of these examples boils down to the same thing– the vulnerable question of, “Are we enough if we are not perfect?” The answer is YES. A million times yes. Because perfection IS. NOT. REAL. It masks what is real, in an effort to stay safe and comfortable.  “Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we carry around, hoping it will protect us from being hurt,” as Dr. Brene Brown teaches us. The emotional labor and cost of perfectionism is too great because either way, people will judge and people will leave. And we will ALSO survive– people judging or leaving doesn’t mean we aren’t worthy of love and for the right people to stay. 

"When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver." - Dr. Brene Brown

I have countless examples of when I have sat with a client and said, “But you’re a human being— How can any human being possibly live up to this standard?” It’s important that we try to remember the truth, that despite our histories and the messages we receive from society, perfection is impossible to achieve and we are worthy in all of our human forms.